The Art of Living with a Husband

It is not as easy as it looks. A wife’s commitment to her husband begins with vows but after that it is a skill to be learned and there are promises to be kept. By skill I don’t mean manipulation and a superficial kind of accommodation to some rigid rules. Biblical wisdom is skillful living. It is living life God’s way. So, in that sense a marital relationship is an art form (i.e. the practical application of a skill). It is the extraordinary opportunity for two Christians to live out the drama of redemption. There is a story that must be told, the greatest story ever told. The Son of God died on a cross so that sinners could have eternal life. Marriage is a stage upon which that wonderful truth can be lived before the world, namely, losing oneself that the other may find his or her self. I would like to offer some brush strokes to wives who wish to be instruments in the Redeemer’s hand.

Give your husband encouragement. Acknowledge his hard work, his skills, his efforts on behalf of you and the children. Are there things that he is probably doing wrong? Yes, but don’t make them the center of your attention. Your husband needs to know that you are for him, not against him. Encouraging one another plays a major role in helping our fellow Christians to grow in Christ (1 Thess. 5:11; Heb. 3:13; 10:25). Wives, when was the last time you expressed appreciation to your husband for something good he has done?

Don’t allow your disappointments in your husband to make you bitter and cynical. Do we fail one another? Yes we do. It shouldn’t be that way, but it happens. But there is a way God wants us to work through our dashed expectations. Develop and maintain a frame of mind that takes disappointments and turns them into change in heart and life. Anger can be a poison if it is focused on the wrong thing. “Be angry and sin not” (Eph. 4:26). We should be angry at sin. It does awful things to the one we love. Wives, you must forgive your husband when he has sinned against you (Eph. 4:31, 32). If you don’t, you lose the opportunity to display the cross of Christ in the story of the gospel.

Determine to be joyful and maintain a sense of humor. Learn to laugh. You might want to try whistling in the kitchen. Help him to lighten-up. My wife’s laughter is one of those little joys that brighten my moments. Don’t forget. It is the joy of the Lord that is our strength (Neh. 8:10). Delighting in God creates strong, confident, discerning, and energetic marriage-builders. The joy of the Lord yields the sweet fruit of endurance. If you want a long-lasting marriage then know what it is to see your satisfaction in God spill over into all of your life.

Talk to your husband about your concerns over the drift of your marriage. Don’t keep everything to yourself. If you allow everything to stay bottled-up inside of you, something is going to break. Your husband needs information if he is to make the right decisions. Some call this “confronting.” However, that could conjure up thoughts of a verbal fight. That’s not what you are after. Wives, you will want to find the opportunity to ask some questions. Is his work taking precedence over you and the children? Is he getting his time-off breaks for fun, but you aren’t? Are you spending enough time together? We husbands need coaching in how to experience companionship.

Be conscientious about your appearance. Keep yourself attractive within the bounds of modesty, but don’t save your best appearance for those outside the home. What may be comfortable to you may not be very appealing to your husband. Don’t allow your children to take precedence over your husband. Does he know that he is important to you? Let your husband do some of the talking. Are you the one who is always carrying the conversation? Don’t talk over him, down to him, at him, and around him. Women do tend to be more verbal than men, but your husband needs to be a part of the conversation. Ask your husband questions. Some wives are naturally better at this than others, but it is never too late to learn new and good habits. Questions about his interests, hobbies, his work, his day, his aspirations, sports, the things he likes, and the things he doesn’t like. You can become more a part of his world this way. And he will learn how to ask you questions. Keep a sense of your forgiveness. A grace attitude is a disarming force. Self-righteousness and focusing on your religious accomplishments can create a partly cloudy to cloudy condition in your marriage. Both wife and husband are sinners in need of great amounts of God’s grace.

Keep yourself accountable if you work outside the home. There are temptations associated with the work place. Is it creating a loss of time with your husband? Is your affection and energy placed more on your work than upon life’s partner? Have a plan for responding biblically to your husband’s vices and failures. As Christians we are called upon to assist one another in going on to maturity. Intercessory prayer and a lot of wisdom are needed in response to your husband’s selfishness, procrastination, lack of communication, lack of spiritual discipline, and temper. Seek out an older wiser woman. Don’t live your life as a doormat and think that is submission. Don’t let another man into your soul. Watch your fantasies. If you are starved for some romance, that can easily become an unlocked door to your heart. Many women have discovered the hard way that the “other man” is a mirage. He is there but he is not there. He is not as he appears. Choose not to be a complainer and a whiner. This will make you very unattractive and it manifests a lack of satisfaction with God. Turn sorrow and suffering into something valuable. Don’t waste your suffering. Ask God to give you sure-footedness through times of difficulty (Hab. 3:19). Let Him turn those irritations into pearls. We can become our greatest adversary when pain knocks at our door. Let your children see what God wants them to be. Those little ones are going to be daddies and mommas one day. They will need to know how to love, how to submit, how to handle adversity, and what it means to be a joyful Christian. Don’t put a stumbling block in their way. Does all this mean that the wife bears the weight of marital responsibilities alone? No. The husband has his “art work” to do as well. But the wife who desires to paint a portrait of Christ’s redemptive beauty in her marriage can be an artist for the glory of God.

Dr. Howard E. Dial
Berachah Bible Church