Super Bowl Marriage

Super Bowl Sunday is finally here and will soon be history. In a matter of hours, some wives will have their husbands back from a five month season long couch-sitting, potato chip-eating, ESPN-watching period of dormancy. Last year’s big game was the second most watched program in U.S. television history (2nd only to the final episode of “M*A*S*H*”) with 141.1 million viewers tuning in. And now these masses of American males (and a few females) will have to undergo a period of detoxification from the football hoopla and re-adjust to life sans-Madden.

This Sunday also falls only ten days from Valentine’s Day (hint, hint, men). While Valentine’s Day, or the “Hallmark Holiday”, is highly commercialized and preys on the guilt of romantically lethargic husbands, it does provide an easy opportunity to evaluate our marriage relationships. So as some husbands are coming off of this NFL ecstasy, I thought it might be helpful to give us a quick readjustment back into the domestic world.

On the subject of football and marriage, one woman who had been married to a coach for 34 years said she had begun to suspect that sports had a higher priority than their marriage. On one particularly frustrating day she decided to test his priorities and see if her suspicions were true. She burst out, “Frank, you’d miss my funeral to go to a ball game!” Her husband calmly replied, “Roberta, what ever made you think I’d schedule your funeral on the day of a game?”

Marriages that aren’t energetically and attentively nurtured will stagnate and become cold. There is no successful marriage that stays on autopilot. The kind of gospel-loving, Christ-exalting, others-preferring marriage that God intends is only for those who chase hard after it together. So for all husbands who need help in this area (present company included), God’s Word has a charge to us—“Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25).

There are several things about this verse that grab my attention. First, it is aimed at me (the husband), and not my wife. American men tend to think of love and romance as women’s stuff. But the Scriptures place it right in our laps as men. We are to be lovers of our wives.

Second, it is commanded. This is not a suggestion or a helpful hint. It is not to be done at our earliest convenience or when we are in the mood. If I am going to be obedient to Christ, I must continually and creatively think hard about what it means to love my wife as He loves His church. One writer said, “Nowhere does the Bible say that love is the basis for marriage; marriage is the basis for love. Paul’s command is, ‘Husbands, love your wives’ rather than ‘Men, marry your lovers.’” If love in a marriage has grown cold, it is in that marriage that it must be fanned into flame again.

Third, I look for and cannot find any command that says, “Husbands, get your wives to submit to you.” There is a command for her. But the command for me says nothing about getting my wife to do anything. Instead, it hits me right between the eyes with the ongoing responsibility I have of loving my wife.

Fourth, it is an impossible command to obey perfectly because Christ’s love for the church is a never-attainable standard (Eph. 3:17-19). But that is not an excuse for apathy. Rather, I must keep working at it and striving by the Spirit’s power to better my obedience to this charge.

So I offer a few suggestions to help in obeying this command—first to myself, and then to each husband (and future husband) in the church.

• Make time to be together. Deliberately work to cut some of the busyness out of your life and carve out time to have a t.v.-free talk, take an evening walk, or do something fun together.

• Don’t belittle small talk. As men, we tend to make light of the “unimportant” details of life and focus on the “big” stuff. Be careful here. Ask your wife, “How did your day go?” and then give her undivided attention as she tells you. Robert Oxton Bolt made an insightful observation: “Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.” Don’t disparage the many threads of daily small talk.

• Genuinely be helpful. With kindness and sincerity in your voice, ask how you can help her. Offer to wash the dishes, shop for groceries, pack the kids’ school lunches, cook dinner, or make a bed.

• Love your wife in a way that makes her feel loved, not in ways that you think ought to make her feel loved. I may think that working harder and longer hours in order to make more money and provide nicer things will prove my love for her. But she would happily give up luxury for my time and attention.

• Be creative and make memories together. Plan a special evening out—something more than dinner and a movie by default. Write a poem, song, or letter to her. You don’t have to spend a lot of money in order to be attentive and thoughtful.

• Watch your words. Are you speaking with a tongue that is kind and encouraging or one that is sharp, sarcastic, critical, or angry? Do you tell her often that you love her? Do you respond to her anger with a counter-offensive or with a blessing (1 Pet. 3:8-9)?

• Provide spiritual leadership to your wife and family. The Bible consistently directs commands for spiritual leadership to the husband and father. We tend to feel inadequate and overwhelmed by this sobering responsibility. But don’t let your fear of failure lead you into a state of apathy where you do nothing. You don’t need to be a super-hero, but you do need to continually grow in fulfilling this important responsibility. Develop your own personal time with the Lord. Pray for your wife and children. Lead the family in Bible reading and prayer. Talk with your wife and children about the things of the Lord throughout the day during the ordinary stuff of life. Be vulnerable to admit your own struggles.

Men, it’s time we turn our t.v.’s off and tune our marriages up. Jonathan Edwards made this resolution as a young man: “I frequently hear persons in old age, say how they would live, if they were to live their lives over again: Resolved, that I will live just so as I can think I shall wish I had done, supposing I live to old age.” Not many guys hit 70 and say, “I sure wish I would have spent more time watching football!” (or whatever your particular diversion may be). But quite a few wish they had spent more time working on their marriage.

Justin Culbertson
Berachah Bible Church